


Jupiter and Mars

by Chrysanthos



Series: Dumb Three Houses Crack [5]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route, Implied Sexual Content, Kind of? I decided it is, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-11-02 12:14:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20742425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrysanthos/pseuds/Chrysanthos
Summary: In the wake of the Leicester Alliance's mission to Sreng, Hubert has to rid the Empire of a potential enemy.--In the wake of the war, they gather for Hubert's last rites.





	Jupiter and Mars

Hubert easily walked along the sands of the desert as if they were solid ground. This was no easy feat, as the sandstorm had really picked up by now, making visibility a hassle. To make matters worse, the winds of Sreng had gotten so bad that they now had the power to pick up lose chunks of rubble and long-dried trees, tossing them willy-nilly through the sand-caked air.

Hubert casually walked past such debris, some even coming close to hitting him dead on. He flipped back some of his hair, which lightly grazed a flying boulder. Nevertheless, he pressed onward without breaking his leisurely stride towards the whirlwind in the center of the open-air ruins.

"Ahhh..." A voice called from within the cyclone, "The lovely Hubert von Vestra..." A gryphonic form became known within the tornado, and as Hubert got closer, it became clearer. "Such beautiful eyes..." The Wind Caller growled, "Despite the passing of time, you still hold the pride of an overseer, don't you?"

Hubert handily ignored the Wind Caller's complete rubbish. "I feel like a fucking _celebrity_ in this town." He declared, stopping right in front of the Wind Caller and making a grand sweeping gesture at the wind-torn landscape.

He was promptly crushed by a piece of rubble.

The Wind Caller began to laugh at the death of the man.

"See that?" A voice asked the Wind Caller, and he shifted his attention to a stone statue of a pegasus, which Hubert was casually sitting side-saddle on. "Everyone _rushes_ me like crazed fans," Hubert complained, getting comfortable and laying across the back of the statue. He puffed his chest out, and he lazily crossed his legs. "They _still_ haven't figured out that I don't _give_ autographs..."

Tearing his gaze away from Hubert's form, the Wind Caller began to speak. "Long before this world came to be," He narrated, "The first calamity split the land into humans, Nabateans, and the darkness."

Hubert casually took out his glasses, softly breathed on them, and put them on.

"It was in this battle," The Wind Caller continued, "That those who rebelled against the Nabateans claimed dominion over the darkness."

Hubert took out a cherry lollipop and began to casually suck on it.

"We have but one goal," The Wind Caller explained, pointedly ignoring Hubert's subtle, yet sensuous actions, "Resurrecting the Creator God and reunifying the world. That shall be the purpose of your sacrifice!"

As the statue beneath him glowed, Hubert sat up a bit to turn over. "I'm not much for the talkative types," Hubert said, a bit of heat in his voice, "How about we have a little _fun_ instead?" He asked, stroking the stone pegasus.

The stone shattered, revealing a live pegasus getting its short mane tangled up in Hubert's ministrations.

"You_ did_ plan on having _fun_ with me, right?" Hubert continued, sitting on his hip and drawing a line up his leg. "There'll be plenty of time for _pillow talk_ afterwards..."

The pegasus stopped flapping its wings to look at the man who was stroking its mane so gently, so softly, and Hubert grabbed the pegasus' tail and threw it directly into the face of the Wind Caller. Landing on a flying platform of tile, Hubert began to stylishly dodge miniature tornadoes while shooting nonstop dark magic at the Wind Caller.

Eventually, the Wind Caller went for a physical attack, and that's the opening Hubert needed. Flipping over the Wind Caller's claw, he began to run up his arm, stopping at the shoulder and barraging it with more Dark Magic. Finally, Hubert paused, and did a small dance. "**Afaa tadaag**!" He chanted, posing as his clothes ripped off of him.

Six demonic arms appeared out of small portals, and though the Wind Caller made to flee, they grabbed and restrained him, ripping off the arm Hubert had damaged. Hubert himself flipped off of the arm and corkscrewed onto another flying piece of tile. The Wind Caller, enraged, went further after Hubert.

Eventually, after more wind and more debris, the Wind Caller made the mistake of physically attacking Hubert again, which allowed Hubert to repeat his actions: run up the Wind Caller's arm, attack his arm, dance, chant, and strip. This led to a similar course of action in which the arms were summoned again; only this time, the Wind Caller tried to shake them off.

A quick punch to the gut stopped that, and the other arm was off.

Dazed, the Wind Caller slowly began to rise into the sky. Hubert wasn't having that- jumping off of the ripped-off arm, he landed on the Wind Caller's body and began to attack anything that looked like a weak spot. This was not made easy by the amount of fur on the Wind Caller's body, nor the drill-like miniature tornadoes that crept along his form. Even so, Hubert managed to be just enough of a nuisance that the Wind Caller flipped over, requiring Hubert to ride an updraft onto his chest.

There, the Wind Caller's much-larger maw opened up, and his tongue shot out, wrapping around Hubert and sullying his clothes and skin with the sticky, thick saliva. The tongue bound Hubert, constricting his movements, but Hubert managed to summon up enough strength to break free of the dastardly appendage, and for the Wind Caller's trouble, he got Hubert's high-heeled boot to his face.

Sensing an opportunity, Hubert did a much more elaborate dance as he spread his legs wide. "**Afaa tadaag nepta**!" He announced, his clothes dissolving to creating the necessary portals. The arms were back, and they began to savagely beat the Wind Caller until the winds died down.

The pegasus from before tried to creep away, but Hubert, having landed on the ground, stomped on its tail. "All done?" He teased the Nabatean. He picked up the pegasus by the tail and swung it until he had a good enough speed. "Let me _give you back your **toy** then!_" He let the pegasus fly, and it impacted a falling javelin of light that he assumed the Agarthans had let fly once they realized Hubert's location. No matter, this was perfect.

Grabbing a statue of a baby-like cherub from a broken fountain, he slammed it into the side of the javelin of light, causing the flammable liquid within to spill out through the cherub's stone penis.

The Wind Caller began to cackle. "She was right... So wonderfully right... Your eyes..."

Not wanting to hear any more, Hubert shot a quick fireball out of his heel into the trail of flammable liquid.

It sizzled out halfway through.

None of them moved.

Hubert gave a guttural growl, and then, without turning around, fired another fireball directly at the stone baby's penis.

Immediately, the atrium exploded, and as the dust settled, a dark magic circle appeared underneath the Wind Caller. A large series of groping hands clamored out, dragging the unstruggling Nabatean down with them.

"May the Creator Goddess, Sothis, grace you!" The Wind Caller swore at Hubert as he vanished into the dark circle.

Hubert held up his hand, catching a large portion of the ceiling. Staring out into the desert of Sreng, he could almost envision the familiar gates of Enbarr.

"Bugger," Hubert muttered, "And I didn't make any time for pillow talk." Huffing, he tossed the gargantuan stone into the air behind him and moved on.

It crashed in front of the slinking pegasus, who stared at the rocks before fainting dead away. The rocks then fell onto the pegasus.

* * *

It was a few days after the war. The Alliance had won, Nemesis was slain, and, at Linhardt's request (closest to Hubert after Ferdinand had died), they held a funeral for Hubert von Vestra.

"Well, no rest for the wicked," Sylvain groused, "But at least he's at peace, back in the box he came from."

"And I guess, I'll have to find a new racket to line my pockets..." Leonie sighed. "No bonus for us this time, eh, Felix?"

Felix scoffed. "As fucking usual."

The veiled nun from the Empire's sect of churches continued to read the closed casket his rites.

"Well, you know how it is with witches," Lysithea noted, "They make a deal with the devil, and when they die, the devil gets his due." She took a puff from her cigar. "You get sucked down into Hell, and you wander around scared shitless for eternity. It kind of comes with the territory."

"Why are you telling us this?" Flayn asked, "Is this not why we are standing here? Praying for his soul to rest in peace?"

"She's got a point," Caspar noted, "I don't want to be out here catching a cold if my prayers don't mean anything."

Suddenly, a giant bundle of flowers apeared, and who else was carrying it but Linhardt. "I said I'd never give up chasing you," He said sadly, "I just never thought the chase would end like this." He hefted the flowers onto the coffin. "Rosemary," He noted, "You said it was a demon repellent. It might help you on the road ahead..." Ferdinand turned away.

The nun smirked.

Suddenly, a holy light filled the cloudy sky.

"W-Wait a second!" Bernadetta shrieked, "What the hell are they coming down here to get _him_ for?!"

The nun shut their book. "Of course they would come for the prize they've been seeking all along." They said simply.

"Holy shit," Linhardt blinked, pointing at the nun, "You're-"

The nun jumped into the air. Meeting the angels head on, they slowly reached out for them-

And then kicked their asses, throwing them to the ground. The nun landed among the daffodils, and scoffed. "This looks _ridiculous_ on me!"

He tore off the clothes to reveal his regular clothes. It was............................................................................................................................................................................ Ferdinand von Aegir!

"I swear," He complained, "This is the last time I cosplay." He pulled out his spear and began to royally beat ass.

Lysithea, taking a drag out of her cigar, puffed smoke at the coffin. "You hear that? That's your cue." She stated. Linhardt turned to stare at the coffin.

Ferdinand speared an angel in the face. "_Will you hurry up_? Don't tell me you fell _asleep_ in that thing again!" He shouted at the death basket.

"Hey," Claude said, "Don't tell me... You've got to be kidding me... _Don't tell me... He's-_"

Some angels got to the casket, which promptly exploded. The stone lid shattered against Lysithea's head, who continued to smoke.

"Un-_fucking_-believable..." Mercedes swore.

Hubert flipped onto the nearest tombstone, completely alive and also wearing a new skintight, backless catsuit. "Morning!" He cheerfully called out. "What's with shoving me into this filthy old casket?" He complained, arm akimbo as he dusted off his hip, "And _next_ time, some air holes would be nice! Fewer worms, ideally..."

Ferdinand landed next to him. "Save the chit-chat for later," He commanded, "We've got work to do."

Ferdinand sucked a cherry lollipop. Hubert smirked at him as he put on some glasses.

The two leaped into the dance.

**Author's Note:**

> In other words.... I love you..........


End file.
